Do we need marriage counseling?

If you are asking this question you find yourself at a crucial, sometimes even critical, place in your relationship journey.

Let us help you explore what to consider and get to an answer!

The beginning of a journey... 

Firstly, something very important. There is nothing wrong with asking or thinking about the question!

In fact, we believe if you are asking, “Do we need marriage counseling?”, then you care deeply about your mariage and its survival.

We commend you for that! It might be the first step to a fantastic journey of self discovery and growth.

There is nothing wrong with you, nothing is broken and no one needs fixing!

Instead of thinking about your relationship or yourself as broken, wrong or stupid and needing to be fixed, think of...

Reconnection? Maybe...

Healing? That can be done...

Re-romanticising? Totally possible...

Too much conflict? This can be solved too.

And so much more...

So let’s get to it...let’s help you answer your question, “do we need marriage counseling?”

Ref flags! 

We also like to call these dealbreakers. These are issues and events which can "break the deal" or marriage agreement i.e. the type of things which will have one or both partners calling it quits.

If you are experiencing any of the issues below, it's a definite YES to the question, do we need marriage counseling?

• Affairs (infidelity, third party involvement)
• Addictions (substance abuse, porn, gambling)
• Deceit, deception and lies (regarding any topic)
• Communication breakdown (not talking for days, sleeping in different rooms etc.)
• Divorce or separation (living apart) or threat of divorce
• Unexpected life events and trauma (serious accident, loss of a loved one)  financial strife, loss of income/job)

It is NEVER too late! We have seen many couples reconcile and reconnect even after suffering from the most severe examples.

Red flags - Important notice:

Your relationship has a chance of surviving these setbacks when you get marriage counseling. It is important to know, however, that additional counseling or guidance might be necessary to heal, guide and eliminate some of these issues in order to achieve a healthy and sustainable relationship.

For example if your relationship has deteriorated because of one or both partners suffering from addiction, the recovering partner will probably need recovery guidance and/or addiction counseling.

It is always a good idea to check with your marriage counselor or therapist whether they recommended additional help.

Also note that your couples therapist is usually not an expert in addiction recovery, grief or trauma counseling. Couple therapists deal with the effects these issues have on your relationship and helping you deal with that.

Warning signs! 

These are some (early) warning signs that might initially be easy to ignore but can quickly lead to consistent dissatisfaction. 

If any of these are happening in your relationship you probably need couples counseling.  

• Lack of communication
• Lack of intimacy
• Lack of connection
• Not feeling emotionally safe
• No common goals and goal setting
• Unresolved fights
• Conflict themes that keep repeating
• Distancing
• Explosive and angry outbursts
• Constant blaming, shaming and criticising
• A feeling of dissatisfaction

Many couples make the mistake of ignoring these warning signs. Even if aware of these signs, many couples also believe they can solve these issues on their own.

Even worse: many coupes simply accept these as part of their relationships and "how things are". They see other couples go through the same and "cope" with their situation, accepting it as the norm.

You DON'T need to cope or accept this as normal!

You CAN be blissfully happy.

You CAN have an awesome marriage!

...it can be the most awesome life experience and adventure you live every day!

Admit that you need help. Get expert advice. Start working on the issues together AND reap the results! 

IMPORTANT: Abuse and life threatening conditions 

Most couples can benefit from marriage counselling, even couples in abusive relationships.

However, if you or someone you love is suffering from any form of relational abuse (physical or emotional) it might be better to first seek help from the authorities and/or social services especially if your life or physical wellbeing is in danger. 

What some experts say:

Still not sure what to consider when trying to answer the question, "do we need marriage counseling?"

We found out what other experts think. Here are a few of their opinions:

Dr. John Gottman says if you are feeling stuck and you're having the same argument over and over, it might be time to seek professional help. 

He adds that an increase in contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling, is a strong indicator that professional intervention is needed."

According to Dr Sue Johnson, a therapist can provide the tools and strategies you need to resolve conflicts especially when you find that you are unable to resolve these yourself.

Another world renowned therapist and author, Esther Perel recommends that couples should consider counseling when experiencing a significant decline in intimacy, both emotional and physical.

Dr Michele Weiner-Davis says if you're feeling hopeless about the future of your relationship, a therapist can help you explore your options and make informed decisions.

A quick quiz: Do we need marriage counseling?

Answer the following questions for a quick assessment. You simply answer Yes or No. 

1. Do you find that communication with your partner often leads to conflict and/or misunderstandings?

2. Have you noticed a decrease in emotional intimacy between you and your partner?

3. Do you frequently argue about the same things without solving them?

4. Are there topics you avoid talking about with your partner?

5. Do you feel your partner does not understand you?

6. Do you feel your partner does not respect you?

7. Do you feel your partner does not appreciate you or is there  lack of gratitude?

8. Have you or your partner expressed unhappiness with the relationship?

10. Do either of you feel disconnected from the other?

11. Has there been any lying, deceit or cheating (i.e. a breakdown in trust)?

9. Do you often feel criticized, shamed or blamed by your partner?

10. Is there a lack of sexual desire from either of you?

11. Do you feel more like a roommate than a partner in your relationship?

12. Has there been any form of emotional abuse in your relationship that is making you feel emotionally unsafe?

13. Has there been any form of physical abuse that is making you feel physically unsafe?

13. Do you or your partner avoid spending time together?

14. Have you thought about separating or divorcing?

15. Do financial discussions often end in conflict or tension?

16. Do you feel unsupported by your partner in pursuing your individual goals?

17. Are there frequent “silent treatments” or withdrawal from either/both side/s?

18. Are there frequent fights, disagreements, and verbal attacks from either/both side/s?

19. Have you or your partner looked for emotional support outside the marriage?

20. Do you feel that your personal values, morals or life goals no longer align with those of your partner?

21. Do you feel that past relationships or unresolved issues impact your marriage?

22. Are decisions in your relationship often made by one partner while the other disagrees?

23. Do you feel anxious or fearful about expressing your thoughts and feelings?

24. Has there been a significant life change affecting the dynamics of your relationship?

25. Do you believe things can be better in your relationship?

Did you answer "YES" to any of the questions?

If you did you need marriage counseling!

Now you might say: "What if I only answered yes to one of the questions?"

Granted. You might feel that if you did, you are not in need of couples therapy and whatever small thing you answered yes to, you can "fix" yourself. 

Just remember that any of the situations described in the questions can all get worse if not attended to.

I almost want to say that even if someone answered No to all the questions they might also need marriage counseling.

No marriage is perfect and even if you want to improve just a small part of an already healthy relationship you probably need some marriage counseling, advice, therapy tips and exercises. 

We have a great marriage so we don't need it!

If you think you got a great marriage you probably won't be here having searched, "do we need marriage counseling?" on a search engine?!

Ok, so let's assume you think you got an awesome marriage! Good for you! I will let you go on your merry way! Keep having and enjoying that great marriage!

Ah, but here's the thing. If that is what you want to do (keep thriving) and you want to make your marriage foolproof, secure and future-proof....

...then even you might need marriage counseling.

In fact, what many people don't realise is that the best time to get marriage counseling is when everything is going great! You are open, honest, kind and the flow of communication is so much easier!

What if we are ''OK''?

Do you want to be great or just "OK"?

Do you want an awesome marriage or one that's "meh"?

Are you happy to cope and survive or would you like to thrive?

Every marriage can improve and anyone can have an awesome relationship. It's hard work though!

And the best way to get the best tools and the best advice to do that hard work is professional help and expert advice.

So if I ask you to rate you marriage and you give it a 7 out of 10 you might think you're doing OK and you probably are...

But wouldn't you not want a 9 or even a 10?

That's where marriage counseling can take you.

The bottom line: Give it a try!

Whether you are at 1 out of 10 out of 10 or 8 out of 10, marriage counseling can help you. If you use the tools, do the work and keep on doing the work your marriage can be great.

Not "meh" Not "OK". Not "Oh you know everyone has issues..."

Great. Awesome. Adventurous. What you signed up for when you fell in love the first time...

We say go for it! Give it a try. You have nothing to lose. There's a lot to lose if you don't!